A Finnish-Egyptian marriage – a short interview…Suomalais-Egyptiläinen avioliitto – lyhyt haastattelu…

IN ENGLISH

You are married to an Egyptian man. When and where did you meet and how did your relationship progressed to the point you living now here in Egypt?

-Simple and yet a bit complicated story! I’ll try to explain it shortly: we met in Internet however we never exchanged many words. I was coming to Cairo for the first time (2006) and when my trip was getting closer and I was a little bit terrified of the huge city. I thought it would be good to have someone you can call to, go to have a beer with – so I had an idea I could send a private message to a Cairene on a dating forum I was a member at that time. I only asked his phone number that’s it. The first meeting really did NOT predict any future marriage – he announced during the first meeting that he doesn’t have (now) any money (for this and that reason which actually was true but since I was familiar with Luxor horror stories I was very suspicious) otherwise he would take me for a beer or two. And for those who don’t know Egyptian culture; no matter how unfair it sounds here a man pays and if he’s letting you pay, it’s not good. Many men in tourist resorts (happens also in Cairo, yes, but less often) use women moneywise and these women have no idea of it being sort of business, there are no loving feelings on the man’s side. For a western woman it is completely normal that expenses are shared, but generally it is not common here. So I said to him that let’s go and have a beer, I will pay because I need a beer right now. It was a fun evening. The second time we met when I was coming back to Cairo from Luxor. Then happened another classical warning sign: he said he knows he wants to marry me. Yeah right I thought. What, NO ONE can know this after a couple of days. But some little voice inside me told to take this further and so, here I am. All I can say that I put him through a lot of stuff, questioning and all, but I feel I had to do it because all of these horror stories you hear from Egypt (about Egyptian men). It wasn’t totally wasted, we are from different cultures after all so you need to discuss certain things properly.

Your ages?

-Me 34 years, he 33 years and our son 8 months.

How do you experience life with an Egyptian man as a Finnish/European woman?

-Our everyday life is the same normal life I would have in Finland as well. Everything that is different comes from outside. Life can be pretty modern and western in Cairo, but in Luxor not. Egypt has so many faces.

In Europe women are equal to men, how about in Egypt?

-Both yes and no. Subject which is not that simple, won’t go into details but just say that many foreigners have too negative views about women’s life here. Don’t understand me wrong, of course there is much to do regarding women’s rights but people often think Egyptian women are some poor oppressed creatures that have nearly no rights at all. Not true at all! In our home we are both equal and I wouldn’t accept anything else.

Do you wear a hijab (a veil)? How is your and your in-laws’ relation to religion? Do you feel pressure about anything (cultural/religious matters)?

-I don’t wear a hijab because I’m not a Muslim. My husband isn’t a religious person, I have only seen him fasting during Ramadan. His family apparently practices their religion (I say apparently because they make no fuss about) but they never talk about it to me. Regarding our son, obviously he is a born Muslim but hubby has been wondering who on earth will teach him about Islam. I think he won’t, so maybe it is up to his parents.

I haven’t felt any pressure, not that much anyway that I would remember it!

How did your husband’s family welcomed you into the family? Comments etc?

-Very well. I had heard so many horror stories how many families would only truly accept an Egyptian daughter-in-law. He told me from the beginning that not to worry, they will love you. Again I was suspicious (how can you know such a thing in advance) but thought that well, I guess he knows his parents. He also said that they are very extraordinary people for an Egyptian family and they truly are! Their warmth and hospitality though is very Egyptian feature (the thing many tourists have never experienced as it seems in tourist resorts ”everybody” wants to be paid if they do something nice or help you). My father-in-law is a very strict man and he tries to keep his sons in order and often asks me whether his son has been good to me. He once said that here it is in fact wom
en who run everything in the household (the man just doesn’t realize it).

Is your husband a typical Egyptian man?

-I really don’t know how a typical Egyptian man like is. I should ask this from Egyptian women. I think there are these macho men (especially in Upper Egypt, meaning southern Egypt, because the Nile is running down from south) but on the other hand a typical Egyptian man is said to be taking good care of his wife and family (it’s a part of Islam anyway). But no matter which is the majority (my guess is the machos win!) I know that my husband is not typical at all. I doubt that many Finnish women could even live with a typical Egyptian man. I think a typical man doesn’t help his wife with household duties or children, he would then be less of a man.

How does your husband differ from a typical Finnish man?

-There is not any subject in this world he couldn’t talk. I actually don’t know generally speaking whether you have to ask for a Finnish man to do household duties or if he does that unpromptedly. My husband does these things without asking. Dare I say but I have a feeling that so many Finnish men don’t fancy married life and commitment, many seem to live single man’s life even after marriage and his wife is staying at home with kids from morning till night (yes I think I read too many Internet forums!) In Egypt marriage and children are very important. But like I said this is just my feeling. Of course Egyptian men can spend most of their time outside of home as well, but here it is not rare that women do NOT want them meddling in feminine things (don’t step into the kitchen or don’t take care of kids).

Sometimes it seems here in Egypt that feelings first, reason second. Is your husband quick-tempered when something goes wrong?

-No. It is me who is like that. He is very calm.

How do you share domestic work/childcare? Do you have ”women’s or men’s work”?

-We don’t have women’s or men’s work. I would say sharing goes pretty much 50/50. Like I said he does household work and especially childcare unpromptedly and if I start something alone he will ask why I didn’t ask for his help. He is the one changing our son’s nappies and takes care of him a lot. We clean together etc.

Does he allow you to work? Do you have separate or shared bank accounts; why?

-He would allow me to work but it’s not really possible now as our son is only 8 months. He said he could take care of him, but even if I really miss working,I just couldn’t go…he is too small. In Cairo a working day is really something else than in Finland, I wouldn’t see my child a lot if I have full time work.

We have separate money and we don’t. I have my own bank account and that money was earned in Finland. I don’t earn anything now as I don’t have a job so I am not using my savings (they are for emergency situations, e.g. if my husband dies before me, as a Christian I don’t inherit anything and who’s to say there’s money to be left to anyone for that matter). Someday when I have a job I plan to save some (here is very very limited social security system but it’s for Egyptian citizens and amounts are ridiculous from a western point of view) and some I would wish to spend on things like children’s education (not cheap here) etc if not nothing else. This is MY plan, I actually have no idea how he would see it as men here feel like it’s their honor and duty to provide for the family. Now if I occasionally use my own money, he doesn’t think it’s a good thing! He says his money is my money, I disagree, well I for sure didn’t earn them with working!

If there was one typical Finnish feature you would want your husband to have, what would it be?

-Can’t think of anything!

Johki answered and translated this post, THANK YOU!

SUOMEKSI

Olet naimisissa Egyptilaisen miehen kanssa. Missa ja milloin tapasitte ja miten suhde lahti etenemaan siihen suuntaan etta sina asut talla hetkella Egyptissa?

-Yksinkertainen ja kuitenkin monimutkainen tarina!  Yritän lyhyesti: tapasimme netissä, joskaan emme vaihtaneet paria sanaa enempää. Eli olin tulossa ekaa kertaa Kairoon v. 2006, matka läheni ja vähän hirvitti Kairon suurkaupunki. Ajattelin, että on hyvä olla joku kenelle voi soittaa tai mennä oluelle ja keksin äkkiä lähettää yksityisviestiä jollekin kairolaiselle eräällä deittipalstalla. Joten pyysin vain etukäteen puhelinnumeroa, siinäpä se. Ensi tapaaminen ei todellakaan  ennustanut mitään avioliittoa – mies ilmoitti ensi tapaamisella, että hänellä ei ole (nyt) yhtään rahaa (siitä ja siitä syystä, mikä olikin totta mutta minä jo Luxorin tarinoita kuulleena olin erittäin epäileväinen), muuten veisi minut kaljalle. Ja tiedoksi niille, joille egyptiläinen kulttuuri ei ole tuttu, niin tämä vain on huono asia. Monet turistikohteiden miehet (ja Kairossakin tätä tapahtuu, mutta vähemmän) käyttävät naisia hyväkseen mm. rahallisesti eivätkä naiset tiedä, että kyse on ns. bisneksestä, ei tunteista. Länsimaiselle kun on täysin normaalia, että kulut jaetaan, mutta täällä se ei yleistäen vain sitä ole. Niin, minä sitten sanoin, että mennään kaljalle, minä maksan, koska haluan kaljalle. Oli hauska ilta. Tapasimme toisen kerran kun tulin Luxorista ylös Kairoon Suomen lentoa varten. Heh, tässä tapahtui sitten jo toinen klassinen epäilyttävä tilanne: mies tiesi, että haluaa kanssani naimisiin vaikkei ollut ajatellut avioliittoa itselleen ajankohtaiseksi pitkiin aikoihin. Juupa juu, niin niin, ajatteli tämä tyttö. Eihän kukaan voi kahden päivän jälkeen tietää haluvansa naimisiin. Mutta joku ääni vaan sisällä sanoi että kannattaa katsoa eteenpäin ja niin, tässä ollaan. Mutta sanotaan vain, että aika kovan mankelin mies kesti, ne tenttaamiset ja kaikki, vieläpä ihan tyynenä. Ei periaatteessa kovin hehkeä alku parisuhteelle, mutta kun näitä kauhutarinoita on, niin piti kaikki asiat käydä läpi. Ja ihan jo senkin vuoksi, että ollaan eri kulttuureista.

Teidan iat ja lapsen ika voisi olla hyva mainita!

-Minä 34, mies 33, poika 8 kk

Miten suomalaisena ja eurooppalaisena naisena koet elaman Egyptissa paikallisen miehen kanssa?

-Meidän elämä kotona on aivan normaalia elämää, mitä viettäisin Suomessakin. Kaikki mikä on erilaista tulee oikeastaan ulkoapäin. Kairossa elämä voi olla aika länsimaista seinien ulkopuolellakin, Luxorissa taasen ei. Egyptillä on niin monet kasvot.

Euroopassa nainen on suht tasavertainen miehen kanssa, enta taalla?

-Sekä että, on ja ei. Laaja aihe, johon vain sanon, että monesti ulkomaalaisilla on liian negatiivisiakin kuvia ja käsityksiä naisen elämästä täällä. Ettei kukaan nyt ymmärrä väärin, tottakai täällä on paljon naisten oikeuksien polkemista, mutta länsimaissa usein luullaan että ovat sellaisia alistettuja naisressukoita täällä kaikki tyynni. Kun eivät ole! Meillä kotona ollaan tasavertaisia enkä muuta hyväksyisikään.

Kaytatko huivia? Millainen suhde sinulla, teilla ja miehesi suvulla on uskontoon? Koetko jostain paineita? (esim. kulttuuri/uskontoerojen takia)

-En käytä huivia, koska en ole muslimi. Mieheni ei harjoita uskontoaan millään muulla lailla paitsi viettää ramadania. Perheestä on tullut sellainen kuva, että harjoittavat uskontoaan, mutta eivät tee siitä numeroa eivätkä ole sitä minulle millään muotoa tuputtaneet. Jälkikasvun uskonnollisuudesta on vain ollut miehen taholta lähinnä ihmettelyä, että kuka siitä hänelle opettaa (ennen kouluikää). Näyttää vähän siltä, että jää kenties appivanhempieni harteille?

Mitään paineita en ole kyllä mistään ainakaan vielä kokenut. Ainakaan sen suuremmin, että muistaisin!

Miten miehesi suku ja ystavapiiri on ottanut sinut vastaan? kommentteja/sanomisia/hyvaksyntaa?

-Hyvin! Näistäkin liikkuu kauhutarinoita, miten monet perheet hyväksyisivät pojalleen ainoastaan egyptiläisen vaimon. Mies sanoi alusta asti, että älä höpsi, hänen vanhempansa rakastuvat minuun heti, epäilin, mutta ajattelin että kaipa hän vanhempansa tuntee. Mies myös alussa sanoi, että he ovat kaiken kaikkiaan perin kummallinen egyptiläiseksi perheeksi ja voin kyllä siihen yhtyä. Siinä mielessä he eivät poikkea tavallisista egyptiläisistä, että ovat hyvin sydämellisiä ja vieraanvaraisia (asia, jota moni turistikohteissa vieraillut ei ole varmaan koskaan kokenut, siellä aina halutaan esim. rahaa kun vähänkin autetaan). Appiukko on jämäkkä mies pitämään jöötä pojillensa ja usein väsymykseen asti minulta tenttaakin, että enhän vain ole p